BEIJING — Olympic skier Väinö Mäkinen won a gold medal for Finland this morning after performing an incredible leap over the yard of a concentration camp prison.
“After years of hard work, I’m very happy with my performance today,” said Mäkinen. “I hope the Uyghur slaves had a good view of me as I sailed like a little bird above the prison yard.”
Chinese officials were quick to point out that Uyghur concentration camps do not exist and that Mäkinen likely just had a wild hallucination during his euphoric flight. “Let me be clear,” said Chinese Propaganda Minister Xi Yang Xi. “There are no prison courts. We don’t mistreat Uighurs. Uighurs don’t even exist. Also, the Tiananmen Square massacre never happened. Väinö Mäkinen is very mad. Very crazy.”
Väinö jumped 154 meters, beating a Slovak who fell in the court and broke both legs. The Slovak athlete is treated, after which he will reduce his medical expenses by letting the Chinese government harvest a few organs he does not use.
As of press time, Väinö Mäkinen disappeared after asking what is going on at the camp. “We are not talking about Uyghurs,” said the Chinese Ministry of State Security.
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